The key to change in recovery is mindfulness. We are human and will fall into old patterns and behaviors. So, remaining aware is huge because we can catch ourselves and correct it by pulling ourselves back as well as shed light on whatever it is, and by shedding light on it that will give it less power.
Personally, I catch myself but sometimes not till I am in it. The difference today is that I do not beat myself up or use negative self-talk, nor do I judge myself. I am a lot more patient, compassionate and understanding with myself. So, if I have to take time to regulate my nervous system, ask myself what do you need right now? What are you feeling? Am I avoiding a feeling or person ? Make sure I acknowledge it, address it, meditate and remain mindful.
This is a huge process and far from easy but it is very possible. The more light we shed on our shadow the smaller it gets until it is integrated just like the inner child and ego. The goal is to integrate them with our higher self, not to kill it.
Once we know something we can’t unlearn it. I remember in the beginning of my process I was struggling with depression and anxiety. I was listening to people when they would say “yeah you have to kill that ego,” etc; once you realize all you thought you were really is not you that in itself is scary. I had to dive into this type of work and learn from psychologists, neuroscientists, and spiritual teachers.
I realized why I used to begin with and why every relationship I ever had when I lost people or we split our ways I literally felt like I was dying. That is actually a codependent reaction and it is very real (trauma body). I personally found out that my codependency issues were worse than my drug addiction. My suicide attempts were over relationships and the root of that was my abandonment issues. It is hard and exhausting when you realize that you were the one that needed fixing, yet your whole life revolved around relationships that you sacrificed yourself because you felt the need to fix everyone and everything.
You must be willing to sit in front of a mirror and dig deep. I mean all the way in those deep wounds. Some run unconsciously so we must be willing to continue digging, continue to ask the right questions, also realizing that what we dislike or bothers us in others is within us. Be willing to face it and call it out. Also what we see in others that we like we possess as well.
I know I was in denial when I first learned this and it is okay. I am human. I know how I lived in the past and I want no parts of it so therefore I had to face all of this. I now can look back and say, “wow, I have come so far.” It motivates me to keep going. The thought of quitting has crossed my mind but that is the ego trying to survive in its old ways as well as my brain trying to keep me safe. Thanks to my higher power that is not an option. I am not looking back.
I now ask myself what my intentions are on a daily basis. I am no longer looking for comfort and familiarity. I am still working on myself but my awareness has really been key in this process. So, I just wanted to share this and once again to ensure people that there is a way out of the dungeon so many of us have kept our selves in IT is F.E.A.R FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL… as I will always say when I write, please do not hesitate to reach out.