As getting sober isn’t just about drugs, once we lay that dragon to rest we are faced with our thoughts, limited beliefs our mindset. And, of course, other addictions, like food, repetitive behaviors, and patterns such as toxic relationships. You might say, “Well I don’t want to be in a toxic relationship,” but it is not that simple, especially for people like myself with multiple trauma.
The brain is wired to keep us safe, and “safe” and “familiar” will automatically draw us in. Of course, it doesn’t present itself as you dishonoring yourself to people please or sacrificing yourself for attention, validation, and a sense of worth.
I thank God I am currently in intense therapy and EMDR therapy because I can now become aware of these patterns. It is not easy but I have decided I don’t want comfortable and familiar, yet I slipped into that rabbit hole recently. Of course my pride (ego) snuck through the back door and was denying the feelings and emotions that came up. So, doing this work on a daily basis, of working on my mind, is my priority right now.
I know I am not the only person struggling with this, and I don’t really hold resentment toward others, but myself the most, as that critic and judge inside of me are not totally tamed yet. I don’t know if they ever will be but I must continue to do this work. My deep passion is to help those that feel hopeless, and like they are destined to live a miserable life. Those who are keeping themselves small because those beliefs are deep, and strong, and not everyone knows that there is help and a better way of life. Self-love is the key.
I am determined to find a better way of recovering from addiction, mental illness and overall health. I know alot of people may have valid health problems but i do believe that many of us are labeled with all these health issues and it is the body keeping the score of all the trauma we have experienced.
I know some people may say, “Well I had the perfect childhood,” but knowing what I know now, having emotionally unavailable parents, or having someone saying “stop crying, you’re not a baby or a girl. Toughen up” will stay in that child’s mind and emotions will be buried. This kind of treatment can potentially lead or attribute to addiction, physical and mental health, behavioral over eating, etc.
Trauma can not be measured. I always said, “Well you don’t know what I have been through; you didn’t have it that bad.” Today I do not look at it that way. I can say that I know I went through some tough things that should have never happened, but I know that someone somewhere is going through the same thing. Today I can see the reason for me going through all that I have endured and pull the positive out of so much negative. Like the resilience I have, my character, my big heart. Maybe I would not be so loving or have a big heart or want to help people, and that is a quality I love about myself and would never want to lose. So I can’t wish for anything in the past to change.
I have learned to embrace it, love every part of myself, and have the courage to work on myself and stop caring what others think, or look for things and people outside of me for love, attention, validation or approval. Because everything I need is within me and my higher power. So, no matter how much you think you are a lost cause, there is hope. I am living proof of that.
Once I began doing the work my anxiety was gone. No more depression, no more pain, and that, my friends, has motivated me to get up and do the work on my mindset, spirituality and overall health by practicing self-love and learning how to have healthy relationships. It is not easy but there is a way. It is possible and very worth it. I hope this reaches at least one person and gives them hope. Protect your peace. Not everything or everyone deserves a reaction. Stay true to yourself first.