Doing the Impossible: I Never Thought I Could Be Sober

There was a time, not too long ago, when I thought I would never be sober for any length of time. I certainly didn’t think I could be sober and happy.

The first time I got sober was the first time I got pregnant. And newly sober, newly a mother, with no program of recovery and what would later be diagnosed as postpartum psychosis, I lived in a world of delusion, paranoia, and resentment. I loved my baby girl but all I could think of was how badly I wanted to escape the demons that continued chasing me.

After so many failed attempts at sobriety, I had all but given up.

I won’t lie to anyone here–I was forced into recovery. I had been arrested for the first time in my life, I was homeless, I lost my home, my car, my family, my children. Still, all I wanted to do was continue using. I just didn’t want to go back to jail.

Faking my way through early sobriety, I found ways of using here and there, without getting caught–until I did.

Eventually, something clicked. And I made the decision to stop running. Stop fighting. Stop lying. I surrendered.

It didn’t come easily. Some days it still doesn’t. But I made a choice and I continue to make that choice every day.

If anyone had told me even a year ago that I would be where i am today–not just physically but mentally and emotionally–i never would have believed it.

I never thought I could stay sober. And yet, here I am.

You may think you can’t do it. It may seem impossible. Do it anyway. It’s worth it.

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